Our day on the farm...

The other day, I took the kids to Berry Patch Farms in Brighton, Colorado with our friends Kim and Joey. On the picking menu...black raspberries and currants. It's a little bit of a drive but such a great experience for the kids (and me). This precious little organic farm invites visitors to pick fresh berries, veggies, herbs and flowers, pet an enormous pig, shop for organic eggs, take a tractor ride and enjoy the view from a rocking chair on their covered porch. I could stay there all day...every day (or at least 5 days a week).

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We visit at least a few times each summer and the produce is fantastic...and fantastically different from what you find in a traditional market. If you've ever held an organic berry in your hand, you've probably noticed how perfectly delicate it was...a far cry from the firm, large waxy berries you find at the store. While the berries are much more delicate than traditional varieties, they are also soooo much tastier. The difference is night and day.

Picking black raspberries gives you a deep appreciation for the ability to grab a pint off the shelf and simply pay for your juicy purchase. The bushes are covered in tiny thorns which do their best to stop curious hands from reaching in and plucking the prized, plump berries. As the pints fill, our arms and hands were covered with scratches but we just couldn't stop.

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The currants were much more accessible. The little bushes were teaming with bright red goodness just begging to be picked. We picked 3 pints, which was enough for a good batch of currant jam. The kids loved it on toast and I also made some fantastic chicken and ribs bathed in currant love. Yum.

At the end of our day, I had to ask my kids the big question: Chuck E. Cheese or berry picking? Two out for three kids chose the latter...making mama proud. :-)

Sand in My Eyes by Christine Lemmon

I don't know how she did it, but author Christine Lemmon, must have chatted with a fly on my wall. The next time I sit on my kitchen floor as my kids swirl around me, I won't feel so alone. Her depiction of the chaos of motherhood in her book, Sand in My Eyes, is dead-on honest. She skillfully rips off the band-aid of domestic bliss to reveal a raw and itchy truth. This is the story of Anna Hott and her varied relationships with her husband, her children and a wise neighbor who becomes a trusted mentor (and her creative inspiration); a great read for women in all stages of life. If you're not familiar with Christine or her work, perhaps this informal Q&A will shed some light on this literary talent:

Your portrait of motherhood is dead on. Is it reflective of your own experience or a creative vision based on stories of chaos?

I wrote Sand in My Eyes while a stay-at-home mother of three little ones and I remember running through my house, responding to their needs, feeling more like a chicken with its head cut off than the organized, neat freak, showered woman I once was. Getting myself, my newborn and my three- and five-year-old boys all dressed and out the door each day was my biggest accomplishment. Hardly could I find time to fold laundry and it would form mounds that the boys jumped in.

I love how this novel is so realistic, but I think readers who are not mothers may think, "There's no way motherhood is really this traumatic." Respond.

Before I had children, I had a confidence to me, a knowing that one day, when I do have children, I am going to keep my bathrooms clean, my children dressed so cute, and read them stories and paint pictures with them. No one told me it could be so hard, that motherhood would give me an indescribable joy in exchange for who I was as an individual, and that the accumulation of it all, of worrying, caring for, responding to their every whimper, oh, and all the housework and grocery shopping, the cooking of things they do not like and cleaning, would turn me into a completely different person—a mom!

I've often tossed around the idea of writing a letter to my younger self, which, in a way, is how I see the relationships between the characters Anna and Fedelina. If you were to chat with the Christine of 20 years ago, what are the top three things you would tell her?
1. Everything you are experiencing in life now is going into the making of the woman you are becoming
2. Don't worry so much about all the little jobs you have to take here and there when first out of college. In a roundabout way, our detours play significant roles and are still bringing us to where we are meant to be.
3. I love you! You are a unique and beautiful person and I love you for being you! Don’t try to change or be someone you aren’t.

All of your novels take place on Sanibel Island, FL. How has this location become a character of sorts? For those of us who have never been there, describe it in 5 words.

Sanibel as an island in my books is symbolic for any time or place a woman spends a moment to herself to think her own thoughts. Often we go through life hurrying from one destination to the next but sometimes we need to stop and anchor, refuel, revive.

Sanibel in five words: tropical, sanctuary, seashells, paradise, bliss

I've always thought that mothers who are writers (or writers who are mothers) have a unique advantage in that their domestic bedlam becomes literary fodder. Have you found writing to be a coping mechanism of sorts when it comes to motherhood?

I have found motherhood and creativity to be very compatible. I often get most of my ideas while outside with my children at the beach, the park, or as we bike ride. But then I must hold my ideas in until night when they are sleeping and I can write. Then, writing becomes my own selfish time. It’s a two-hour chunk of quiet time in which I can hear my own thoughts, but more importantly, express what is on my mind. It’s adult conversation with my own characters who say what I want them to say, do what I want them to do, and often, tell me things I need to hear. I do believe I create characters that help pull me through specific stages of life that I am in. Life does enhance writing and much of what I encounter goes in a roundabout way into my writing.

A husband's heart break

It's odd...earlier today, I posted about living the life you want and spent a good deal of time contemplating the 'holes' in my dreams. I even put pen to paper and wrote down some goals and some timeline expectations. As I've been moving through my day today, this is what I've been chewing on...until a few minutes ago.

The blogosphere is a funny place. It connects you with people you will probably never meet, yet you share insight into your life and take a peak at theirs. On the common grounds of communication, motherhood, the love of creativity or a beautiful space...we connect for a few minutes a day.

That's why I was so saddened to read today's post at Holding Court, titled I Love You, Marija. Today's post was written by Marija's husband because Marija died in a car accident on July 10. Just like that...a life gone, a husband and two kids shattered. Funny how I've been sitting here planning my life, when I really have no idea if I'll be here tomorrow. Marija could have been doing the same thing last week.

So, I've shredded my plans...deciding instead to embrace right now. To finish this post as I wait for the kids to walk through the front door...to hug them, relish their giggles and calmly appreciate that we are all here to make a mess together...for now.

The life you want to live...

Lately, a friend of mine has been repeatedly posting cheery, curious and inspiring Facebook updates. I haven't been able to talk to her directly for a while, so I don't know exactly what is going on but I can tell that she's in a good spot. She is one of those friends who encourages me to take a serious look at my life, question its direction and do something to change it if it's not making me ridiculously happy.

Her latest post: Have you heard of the Happiness List? In her 10-10-10 book, Suzy Welch dares the reader to name 12 people who are actually living the life they want. Are you one of 'em?

At first, I glanced over this post, almost afraid to contemplate my response. But then, I kept coming back to it. Am I living the life I want? Saying 'no' seems so...ungrateful, as I am blessed in so many ways. Is this the life I envisioned? That's tricky. On one hand, I always envisioned a life full of professional success. On the other hand, I've always wanted a big family (although, not as big as I once thought). How do you marry the two? I haven't quite figured it out yet...at least not to the extent that I'd like.

The chasm between my reality and my hope for my life is not all that wide, but it does exist. These are some areas that I hope to work on:

• Finding balance. I am just overwhelmed right now with household responsibilities and kids. I know it's possible to find a healthy balance between who I am as an individual and who I am as a mother and wife. I'm not there yet.
• Creating memories. It seems I am in survival mode most of the time, when I really want to be creating wonderful memories for my kids. I have a million ideas swirling in my mind, but when it comes to execution, the day's to-do list takes over..almost always.
• Story telling. For as long as I can remember, writing has been my refuge, but I'm a dabbler. At some point, I'll take it seriously.
• My passion. Given the time and financial constraints of life as small business owners, my dream of raising and training horses seems impossible right now. Still, it's part of the life I always envisioned so we'll see what comes to fruition.
• Freedom to explore. During college, I spent a good chunk of time backpacking through Europe. It was an incredible experience, but more than anything, that trip taught me how much I love my own country. I hope to have the time and funds to be able to explore it with my family...even if we shoe-string it.
• Family vacations. I used to think vacationing with our extended family only once a year was a ridiculous concept, because once a year couldn't be nearly enough. Well, it's been 3 years since our last vacation. Since we don't live near each other, this is a must...but each year, a solid plan seems to evade us.

As I continue to chew on this concept, my list will undoubtedly expand, but that's where I am right now. Not too bad, right? What about you? Are you living the life you want?

Sometimes motherhood is humbling

It's no secret that I have been burning the candle at both ends lately. Between writing, kids, unpacking, feeding the hubby, keeping the dog in an unfenced yard, running two businesses and brushing my teeth every now and then, I am knowingly pushing myself to the limit. The only thing helping me maintain a semblance of sanity is the fact that I know this time will pass (it will...right?).

When life is running a 'normal' speed, I feel like sleep is fleeting, but lately sleep seems to come and go in a snap of a finger. This explains why the first few hours of my day are spent in a literal mental fog. Some say that coffee inspires the haze to lift, but, so far, the magic of caffeine evades me (but I still drink my 2-3 cups before I'm out of my PJs).

Since we are in the process of moving into and sort-of renovating a new house, the neighbors stop by pretty frequently to check on the progress, see the updates as they unfold and drop off goodies. Our neighborhood is full of sweet retired couples (which I love), so they show up on the doorstep at all hours of the day.

Yesterday, a neighbor rang the doorbell at 9am...not early by motherhood standards, but still within the PJ realm. I answered the door in my robe, figuring she would understand once she saw the lawlessness of childhood swirling behind me. We chatted for 10 minutes or so, exchanged numbers and said goodbye. It wasn't until I went to get changed that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. At some point during the morning, one of the kids bestowed me with Princess Aurora's sparkling crown. I don't recall it happening, but the mirror didn't lie. Immediately, I thought about my new neighbor and wondered if she thought me batty, or if she simply understands that motherhood is a mess and princess crown surprises come with the territory. At least I took the sticker off my cheek before answering the door (I was aware when they stuck that to my face).

Yes, motherhood is humbling sometimes...

Riding the Motherhood Teeter-Totter

Inspired by a post by my witty blogger friend, Wendy Irene at Give Love, Create Happiness, I have been thinking about the many decisions we make throughout the day as mothers and how those decision impact our kids.

We mothers know that at any given moment we are seconds away from an impending disaster, a colossal mess, an emotional breakdown, a financial implosion, a teaching opportunity. Immediately following the unfolding of said event, we teeter on the verge of reaction. The whole experience takes only seconds (if that), but during that time we mull over our options and....react.

I find myself hanging in this balance ALOT. On one side, there is the instinctive need to explode, scream and wonder out loud why my life is such a mess. On the other side, there is a chance to appreciate the moment, no matter how dirty, loud or chaotic. As I'm teetering, motherhood hovers above the domestic bedlam. Almost in slow motion, I sway back and forth, trying on each decision like a new coat.

I'm not gonna lie, I don't always make the right decision. But, on occasion, I take a deep breath and choose to embrace the pandemonium of childhood. I'm a big fan of the radio talk show host Dennis Prager. He always says that we have a moral obligation to be happy and, although I struggle with that, the truth of this statement comes to life when I choose to approach the clutter of motherhood with a smile, even when I don't want to.

What clutter are you teetering over today and on which side will you fall?

Home...again.

I have been sooo MIA lately. Finally, I have forced myself to pull away from the maelstrom of life so that I can take a second to blog and share some news. The past two months or so have been absolutely crazy. As in, I literally feel insane.

First of all, we said goodbye to our cute little bungalow in Washington Park. It was a painful parting for me, but it needed to be done. The lack of space was starting to take its toll just as a great house in one of my favorite neighborhoods came on the market. It just seemed right to jump at the opportunity...and so we did.

I love this house, but it is a wreck. It's 33 years old and it shows. The bones are good, but aesthetically, there is much to be desired. So, we are moving and doing a mini-renovation at the same time. I took the kids to Arizona for a few weeks to get out of the way but now we're back and in the thick of it.

Where to begin....

the side yard looks like a war zone

the family room looks like it belongs to 4222 Clinton Way (the address of the Brady Bunch)

the office is a cave, highlighted by lovely dark wood panelingand the front porch, though promising, is currently in disarray. On the flip side, the back yard is fantastic, the floor plan is perfect, the views are spectacular and I do love that front porch (or, I should say, what the front porch can become).

We've already made some progress. We've painted all the woodwork white and the walls a calming gray. We replaced the industrial/outdoor carpet (you read that right) that was in the entry/kitchen/hall and the crumbling parquet floors with hardwoods. The house is starting to breath again.

Originally, we planned to replace the carpet before moving in, but life threw us another curve just before the move: Cody had an opportunity to buy another location of our business and couldn't pass it up. So, goodbye carpet money, hello new business. Not a horrible trade in the grand scheme of things, but now I must learn to love this goldish-brown plush with a super thick carpet pad (as in, I want to perform a gymnastics floor exercise on it).

So, that's where I've been. I'm looking forward to posting some shots of the improvements as they unfold. I am seriously exhausted. Between work, kids, unpacking, fixing up, cooking, and shopping, my bandwidth is expanding to a size I never thought possible. You're prayer is appreciated, as my sanity is waning.